Do NOT forget this...

I normally shy away from writing about things of a spiritual nature on this blog because it seems like such a public venue for very private feelings.  But, since this blog also serves as my family journal, I feel I need to record some experiences I've had lately that I don't want to forget.

As evidenced by my last post, Eliana and I are often in conflict.  I get pulled into acting like a child instead of a compassionate adult way too often.  I've read countless parenting  books, tried out several different approaches, and still manage to fall back into the same patterns of criticism and control.  She knows just how to push my buttons and gets a kick (I think) out getting me to lose my cool.

Lately I've been reading a wonderful book by M. Catherine Thomas called Light in the Wilderness: Explorations in the Spiritual Life.  one of the reasons I love this book is that the author quotes Joseph Smith, Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra, and various physicists (mostly about string theory).  [an aside: one of my (many) brilliant cousins wrote a blog post once about how her mother, while Mormon, always felt a strong connection to Judaism; and that she (the cousin) always felt a strong pull to Catholicism.  I can relate: except for me, the tie is to Buddhism.  While I'm very active in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I gain a lot in my spiritual path through Buddhist teachings]

Anyway, a passage from Light in the Wilderness provided an "aha!" moment that so far has been transformative for me: "A dear friend of mine, who through the years had been in conflict off and on with her beautiful daughter, dreamed in the early hours of the morning of an encounter with this daughter.  The mother said reproachfully, 'You are so critical of me!' The daughter answered, "But, Mother, you are so critical of me.' As I read this passage, the Spirit opened my mind and I clearly saw all the times I have been critical of my daughter.  All the facial expressions that implied the need for her to change.  All the times I had focused on her weaknesses instead of her strengths.  I cried.  And I decided to change.  Rather, I plead for Divine assistance to change, since I wasn't making good progress on my own.

It's only been a few days, but the difference in the quality of life around here is striking.  I no longer feel worn out, exhausted and agitated.  I am enjoying parenting so much more.  And this change in me has drastically changed my daughter's behavior (which also makes me cry, for all the tension she's had to deal with).  For example, today she unloaded the groceries from the car, made her brother's bed, and put the dishes away, all WITHOUT BEING ASKED!!  And she just seems less stressed out.  I still have had occasion to discipline her, but it's been far more effective and much less often.

I don't want this change in me to be short-lived.  I don't want to return to the way things were.  I'm sure I'll slip into old patterns now and again, but I hope to quickly get back to accepting my children for who they are, recognizing the many positive things they do, and acknowledging the divinity in them.